The Lucky Pumpkin

I have a plaque that hangs in my kitchen. It is says, “Give Thanks in All Circumstances” Thessalonians 5:16-18. I am not big on bible quotes in general because I believe that much of the bible has been edited, changed, or had parts thrown out, etc., to suit the political and social purposes of the Church over time. I also don’t think the bible should be adhered to as the literal word of God because it was written by human hands, and humans are not infallible, (Sorry, Pope!) and it is heavily influenced by the social and political times it was written in. (Does anyone who thinks for themselves really believe that God thinks it is o.k. to stone an unfaithful woman? Hello, did you read the ten commandments? How about number five that says, Thou Shall Not Kill? If the bible is all the literal word of God, those two contradictory things should not both be in the bible but they are. You see my point.) However, there are many beautiful passages in the bible, and this is one of them. Be thankful in all circumstances. This is something that I try to do in all aspects of my life, but some days are better than others. This, in a nutshell, has been the struggle of my adult spiritual life.

I am sitting here watching Oprah on tivo, and a lady is talking about how she grew up with physical and sexual abuse, but she is grateful that those things happened to her because it brought her to where she is today. Whenever I hear something like that I get a chill because it is my story, too. I endured much abuse as a child. Some physical, some sexual, but mostly emotional. What is emotional abuse, you might ask? It is never giving a child the love that she needs to grow into a whole person. Creating an atmosphere of tension to the point that everyone in the house walks on eggshells, constantly thinking ahead to forsee any pitfalls that might cause an explosion, and rushing to avert them. It is NEVER telling your daughter that you love her, EVER. It is making her feel that she is never good enough, that no matter how well she does, she could have done better, and then pointing THAT out to her instead of giving her a compliment. It is pointing out all of her physical flaws to the point that when she is almost 40 years old, you still give her all the articles you can find on weight loss when you see her because you can always look better! It is creating an atmosphere where your daughter dreads weekends because it means spending time with you, and is markedly happier on Monday mornings because it means five days of some time away from Tension Land. It is making your daughter feel that emotions are weak, and wrong, and not to be expressed. It is swearing at your spouse and making your daughter feel that she has to take sides. It is teaching your child that adults are always right, should never have to apologize and are within their rights to use any means necessary to get you to comply with their will. But mostly it is the failure to recognize that the precious jewel that is their daughter is a gift from God, and is to be treated with respect.

Which brings me back to Give Thanks in All Circumstances. I think that I can finally say that I am grateful that I had the childhood that I had for so many reasons. The most important reason is that if I had had an easy childhood, I don’t think that I would be the same person. My personality developed like it did because of my experiences. I can also finally say that I like myself just the way I am, flaws and all! (Of course, I am working on the flaws, but they are a part of me!) I am grateful that I have become even more empathic because of the pain I felt. I have learned what NOT to do as a parent, and as a spouse. Really living through it sticks with you more than if you just read it in a book. The quote that really helped me was by Malachy McCourt, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s just not healthy for me to dwell on the pain anymore. My parents don’t feel badly about my childhood, and they never will. I can’t keep waiting for the apology that isn’t coming. I can only change the way I react to them.

I had a really fun date this evening! It was with Anna. (Bet you thought I’d say Bob, right?) Well, Bob is still feeling a little bit under the weather, and Emily is too. We thought she was better, but she still has some lingering illness. So we left them at home and went out to eat at Perkins. We had a great time. It was nice to get out and just have fun together. Anna kept repeating things people at Perkins said, and she’d get the inflection right, too. She has always been a great parrot. She said to me, “Thanks, that’s great!” I said, “What did you say?” and she said it again. So I asked her what she was talking about and she said, “That’s what that lady said, Mom,” and I realized that the lady behind us had said that to the waitress.

Then we went to Target to get all the things that we needed from not being able to shop for a week. We really go through diapers and wipes! I also broke down and bought some new sheets for the girls. There were days where we went through four sheets, and we didn’t have that many! Anna kept running races with herself down the aisles. She’d say, “On your mark, get set, go” and take off. She loves to run, and is built like a distance runner, long and lean, so I wonder if that will be her sport in the future?

Speaking of running, one of the first things that Bob said to me that really made things hit home about Emily’s Down syndrome was about running. Bob was an excellent runner in High School and College. He said to me that he had imagined the girls running on the same team (since they are two years apart,) and how fun it would be to watch them together, but now that would probably never happen. It was a moment of profound sadness for both of us. One of those moments where you feel the heaviness of the situation down to your toes. I know how important running was for Bob, how much he enjoyed it, and wanted to pass that on to his girls. But, as they say in the Down syndrome community, You Will Dream New Dreams, and we did. We almost immediately started talking about how good she’d be in the Special Olympics, but somehow, there is an echo of sadness in those discussions. No matter what, her life will be different from ours, and that is always a hard thing for a parent to take.

Oh, man! Has the last two days been horrible! After Emily’s bout with the flu, we ALL got it! I think that we are on the upside of the illness now, so that’s good news.

Being so sick has really brought home to me how much my girls need me right now. Of course, I always knew that, but today I really felt it. I spent most of the day in bed and when I did come downstairs, Anna would not let me leave her side. My mom was with her all day, so I know that she was well cared for, but it just isn’t the same thing for Anna as having Mama there. If I picked up Emily, Anna would say, “Daddy can hold Emily!” which is her way of telling me that she needs me. It is nice to know that I really do make a difference in my girls’ lives.

Then, after the girls were in bed, my mom tries to tell me that she thinks Emily is smart. She lists all the things such as good eye contact, always following us in the room, her new vocabulary of Mama, Dada and Papa. Then comes the one that gives me shivers up my spine. She says, “And Emily is even a little manipulator like her sister. She sure knows how to make you do something by crying. She cries when I change her diaper.” My parents always used to call me a manipulator when I cried. But I honestly wasn’t trying to manipulate anything. I was just CRYING! Kids do that when they are overwhelmed with emotions! My girls are just like me in that they are super-sensitive. My parents always put such a negative spin on everything. So I said that I didn’t think they were trying to manipulate anything, they were just releasing emotions. And, maybe Emily is crying when you put her down to change the diaper because she probably still has fluid behind her ears, and it probably hurts!

How do you respect your parents for raising you and still disagree with almost everything that comes out of their mouths?

Warning! Don’t read any further if you are easily grossed out!

This whole day has been nothing but puke and poop! Emily got some kind of stomach virus last night and I found her in a circle of puke at about 2:00 am. We gave her a bath because her hair was coated, changed her sheet, and put her down, only to have her puke again! We changed the sheet again, and I rocked her to sleep. She woke up with a dirty bed from the other end, so it was another bath. Then she had her morning bottle, and threw it up out of her mouth and nose! Shortly thereafter, she had another experience with the other end which ended up with another bath when I took her dirty shirt off and got poop on her hair! The poor kid is really having a hard day! Normal activities are harder for her anyway because she has low muscle tone, so it really seems unfair to throw an illness on top of it!

Then, Anna became too crabby to bear after four days without a B.M., so I had to give her a suppository! THAT went over really well! (She is still withholding her poop because she doesn’t want to go on the potty. Her control is amazing!) Then, all the while I was cleaning her pull-up, and the rest of the afternoon, she kept saying, “Mom, poop is brown. Did you know poop is brown?” (Out of the mouths of babes…or toddlers!)

Well, I am off to do another load of laundry to clean up the various bodily fluid spills we had. Sorry if I grossed anyone out!

Do I still look beautiful with puke stains on my shirt? (Or, should I say, Does this puke stain make my butt look fat?)

I have been thinking a lot lately about education for both my girls, but for Emily in particular. It seems like it keeps coming up in conversations, and I get all upset about the situation. I feel like life is pulling me to take action. Here’s the issue. Bob and I both went to catholic schools from grade one-college. (Actually, the same catholic schools, but that is a story for another day…) Now, we are both very liberal on most issues, and the Catholic Church can hardly be defined as liberal these days, but strangely, we both remember a pretty liberal education. I guess the 70’s affected even the catholic schools! We really want a spiritual environment for our girls in their school. The most important thing is an environment where it is open and normal to pray and discuss God. But here’s the rub, Emily isn’t welcome in the catholic schools!!!!!! Yes, you read that correctly, the church that tells you to respect life will not support you or your child once you have the child with a disability! (Did you know that approximately 85% of people who find out they are having a child with Down syndrome have an abortion?) So, how do we handle this situation? Do we roll over and let the status quo be? I really don’t know. I have read about a wonderful program in Pittsburgh called the St. Anthony schools program which partners up with Duquense University. I wish our local catholic schools offered something like this! I am thinking of talking to the principal to see if they are willing to implement anything like this. I talked to the administrative assistant, and was basically told that they didn’t have the money or the space. (Imagine saying that to Jesus’ face if it was HIS child with Down syndrome, Oh, wait, it IS God’s child we are talking about, we are ALL God’s children!) I am going to offer to teach there for free if they will offer special ed. That will take away the money excuse. Now, we just have to see if they really want their school to be inclusive like their motto says, or if it is all talk. If anyone out there has faced similar issues, please let me know how you or your school handled it!

All right, I know I said that I believe that, “Thoughts are things,” (I’ll write more about that another day,) when I said that this was the calm before the storm, but I didn’t mean a real storm! I can’t help but wonder about the irony that after my last post, my parents are now stuck in western Minnesota because the interstate was shut down due to a winter storm! We have a one day reprieve before the loooong visit. They are in Luverne, which was featured on the Ken Burn’s documentary The War, which was an excellent documentary. I really learned so much from watching it.

We are enjoying our last few days of freedom before the big month-long visit from my parents. No, that’s not a typo, I did say they are staying with us for a month! Yes, they did just do this back in October, but that’s not stopping them! I am really frustrated about the whole situation. How do you tell your parents that they can’t visit you for that long? I want them to be a part of the girls’ lives, but a month as a house guest is too long, even if it is your parents! They are both retired now, and they live in Colorado. They actually have a cabin about 35 minutes away from our house, so they could stay there and visit which would be GREAT! However, my Dad is too cheap to keep the plumbing up-to-date, so this fall the whole system failed after over 30 years. Dad decided they could just stay with us while he went out there a couple of days a week to work on fixing it. Needless to say, they finally went home with the plumbing system still not working. So, this visit will have to be all here at our house because the ground is frozen. (The cabin has a septic system which will require digging into the ground to replace.)

I am usually a very positive person, and I really believe that “thoughts are things,” so I hesitated to put up the title that I did. Experience has taught me, however, that there will be tensions. Between each of my parents and myself, between Bob and my parents, and between my Mom and my Dad. And, as is typical of our shared German ancestry, we will keep the tensions to ourselves and allow them to fester and grow until my Mom unleashes the Irish side of her and lets us have it. Or, possibly, I will let my Irish side out and let my parents have it when they say a bigoted comment as they inevitably will. I have already told them under no circumstances will I let them say bigoted comments in front of the girls. I have corrected them in the past, and now that Anna is three, it is all the more important to set the correct example for her.

Here we go…

I am visiting my in-laws for a few days, and I just want to say that I really love them. (How appropriate on Valentines Day!)

10. They are very generous to charities. (This sets a good example for the girls, and says a lot about them!)

9. They really LIVE their faith. (See #10)

8. They raised a wonderful son who married me!

7. They tell my girls that they love them.

6. Bob’s Dad loves to play with Anna and make her feel like she is the most important person in the world.

5. They are WONDERFUL grandparents.

4. Bob’s Mom shares with us her expertise from doing daycare for 30 years. (This is a lot of knowledge that comes in handy quite often.)

3. They think my girls are the best gifts. (I agree!)

2. They never talk badly about anyone.

1. They love me!

As a mother, I like to think that I know everything about my daughters. I am the one who is closest to them, so I must be the expert, right? Wrong! It is clear to me that other people can have profound insights into their personalities, and it is important to listen, because you never know when they will drop a gem of information. Here are two examples:

I know I have written about Emily’s teacher and how much we love her. Lately, she has only been coming every other week, and on the opposite weeks, the physical therapist has been coming. Her wealth of knowledge and experience is amazing! I am really blown away over how well she works with Emily and how she can figure out what exercises will help her to continue to reach her milestones. She told us that Emily is afraid to move side to side, and this fear is keeping her from getting in and out of a seated position on her own. She said that Emily has the strength to do it, but she needs to overcome this fear first. She is so right, and I wonder to myself, why didn’t I see that? I am the person who is most connected to her in this world, how come I need another person to tell me this about her personality? To help her overcome this, we are supposed to make her move side to side this week by having her sit on our laps, and moving our legs up and down, having her sit on the exercise ball and moving it side to side, and my personal favorite, putting her in a blanket and Bob and I grab the ends and swing it back and forth like a hammock. (I wish someone would do that for me!)

A second example is my friend Tara, who we met at swimming class for the kids. Anna was having such a hard time getting into the water, she is VERY cautious, and the first time we went, she didn’t get into the water at all. If we tried to lead her there, she would scream, (which sounds horrible in a pool with all of the echoes!) The second time, Tara said to me, “She just takes time to warm up to things. Why don’t you come ten minutes early to let her get into the water at her own pace?” I was so shocked that someone we had met only once before could have such a profound insight into my daughter’s personality and I had not thought of that myself! I asked her if she was a teacher, because she really understood kids. She said she was thinking about going back to school for that, but hadn’t decided for sure yet. I know I hadn’t thought of coming early because I was so uptight about the “scene” that Anna was causing by refusing to get into the water, and I was worried about what the other parents were thinking of me, instead of thinking clearly about what I could do to help the situation.

I hope that I become better at understanding the two most important gifts in my life, and in the meantime, that I am open to guidance from others!

Isn’t it interesting that when you are a child, an age difference of six or eight years is HUGE, and you probably wouldn’t be friends with someone who is that much older or younger than you, but as an adult, it doesn’t matter at all? We had a wonderful time with Julie, Randy and Logan. We haven’t known them for very long but they felt like old friends. (Actually, better than some of our real old friends who have mysteriously vanished from our lives after finding out about Emily…) We had a fun day sharing a good time with our kids. Logan is so cute. He had the cutest boy outfit on, right down to his fuzzy boots. It is fun for me, because I didn’t have a boy, our lives have been all about the girls! But, back to the age difference, they are six and eight years younger than us, but that didn’t make any difference in our friendship. It is nice to be an adult and be able to be friends with anyone you get along with, regardless of age, or any other factor that people tend to care about (job, education, social status, economic status, etc.)