The Lucky Pumpkin

Have you ever felt like you live your life in a sort of bizarre, time-is-irrelevant, fog?  I sometimes get this feeling and it is really strange.  I have been getting it so much more this past year than ever before.  I often get so focused on what I am doing, or just the opposite, my mind is a million miles away from what I am doing, and I can’t remember what season it is.  Or, I know it is “winter,” (yes, it still is winter here,) but I can’t remember if it is the start of winter, or the end.  It only lasts for a few seconds, then it is like a small gate opens in my mind, and I am back in the present, fully aware of the season, date, etc.   Sometimes I can’t remember what year it is, either.  I have always had this to an extent.  When I had just turned ten, I remember thinking that I couldn’t possibly be ten because I had been around forever.  I don’t mean in the dramatic kid way, either.  I truly felt that I had been around much longer than ten years.  (Possibly this was in part because I was born grown-up.  I don’t ever remember doing many kid-like things.)

Besides time, this feeling manifests in other ways in my life.  Tonight I went shopping after the girls were in bed.  Just for a moment as I was shopping by myself, I was mentally in a place where I didn’t have any responsibilities other than myself.  I was transported in my mind to the feeling of when I was a “DINK”  (dual income, no kids.)  Then, as briefly as it came, I remembered that I was in fact a mother to two girls, one of whom has a developmental disability, and that carefree part of my life will never be here again.  Emily will always need me in a way that Anna never will.  I am not complaining, it is just weird the way the mind works, how it can jump from place to place with no regard to time.

Things have been pretty quiet on the blog front lately.  I have been in a contemplative mood, and I have also been very busy, just getting home today from an Easter visit to the in-laws.  My parents left on a sour note, and I haven’t heard from them since.  (That was about two weeks ago.)  I feel very torn.  I want to repair our relationship, but I feel that I am the only one.  I feel that they just want things to be like they were when I was ten years old, where they dictate to me how things are going to be and I am “seen and not heard.”

I mostly want to repair the relationship so that my girls have a good relationship with their grandparents.  I remind myself everyday that I can’t change them and that seeking their acceptance is an exercise in futility.  Then I start to think that maybe it really would be for the best for me to “divorce” them, and just keep them out of our lives.

It is not lost on me that my mother was in Minnesota, about fifteen miles from her mother’s nursing home, for over eight weeks during the last six months, and she saw her mom only once.  I would like to remind her that she is teaching me how to treat her by her actions, but that is a huge double-edged sword.  I am very keenly aware that Anna watches everything I say and do, so I trudge forward, knowing that permanent separation from my parents is out of the question.  I do not want Anna treating me the way my mother treats her mother.

Ah, my parents.  They are like eating pizza when you are lactose-intolerant.  It starts out like a good idea, but we all know where it is going to end up!

I guess St. Patrick’s Day is over now, but hey, we can keep the celebration going, right? It was a really nice day here. The leprechauns came to our house and left their footprints all over. They played with the girl’s toys, and made a mess! Then they left the girls a card and some shamrock stickers and small Irish flags. Anna talked about it all day. It is fun because she is three now, and is starting to understand and remember holidays and traditions. We read some Irish stories, wore our shamrock shirts, and had lots of fun!

I remember one year ago today was the day that we found out for sure that Emily has Down syndrome. The doctor, who needed a crash-course in bedside manner, came into my room at the hospital at about 7:30 am, and just said that the tests confirm that Emily has Down syndrome. Of course, my in-laws were there, (I can’t, for the life of me, remember why they were there so early in the morning,) and Bob was not there yet, because he was taking care of Anna at home. It wasn’t a surprise because they had said they strongly suspected that she had it, but still, it was so hard to hear. My mother-in-law started right in on the doctor asking what kind of early intervention would she need, etc. This angered the doctor, who said that she was just a baby like any other and all she needed was what other babies needed. I am sitting there with tears streaming down my face listening to the two of them argue. (I understand what both of them were trying to do, he was trying to reassure me, and she was trying to be proactive for Emily and for me because that was all she could do at that time, but it was a totally surreal moment for me, and the last thing I needed was an argument in my room!)

Later that night, I sat in my room by myself with the curtain drawn, and I read the packet given to us by the Down Syndrome Association of Minnesota. It was called the Down Comforter. (What a great name! The cover was drawn to look like a quilt.) It was a very poignant time for me, reading the stories of others who had been in my shoes. It really was the first glimpse of hope that everything would be all right. It was the start of the climb out of the shock and into the wonderful reality of life with Emily. I am not saying that everything was rosy after that, but I saw the light in the situation that night, and I have been keeping my eye on that light everyday since then. This has helped me to go from barely keeping my head above water, to being safely on shore and only getting my legs wet from time to time.

I am sitting here arguing with my incredibly stubborn and obstinate parents that global warming is a real thing.  I can’t believe that anyone out there actually can have their head stuck in the sand to this degree!!!  My Dad’s way of arguing with me is to just say over and over, show me the facts, show me the facts!  But, I have learned long ago not to engage in an argument with him.  It doesn’t matter if the facts are on your side, or not.  He is ALWAYS RIGHT!!  He really does make George Will look like a liberal.  It is really scary that he justs sits on the computer all day long watching stocks and investment sites.  Now that he is retired, this is an obsession with him.  He will go on conference calls with other people of like mind for two hours a day discussing what stocks to buy, etc.  Some of this could be looked at as a hobby, but he is taking it to the level of obsession.  I really think that he needs to get out and do things for other people.  He could even use his financial knowledge to help people who are less fortunate than him who want to get a leg up.  Really ANYTHING that does not include dwelling on himself and his money all day long.  It really is sad.  I was hoping that having a granddaughter with Down syndrome would help to change his attitude about life, but I guess you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  I am writing this, and he is on a financial website and putting down Al Gore for his views on global warming at the same time.

I can’t believe that we are father and daughter.  Sometimes I just want to disown all of my family.  I think life would be easier on my own with just my husband and daughters.  (And of course, my cats!)

After some darker themed posts, I want to mention how much I love hearing my girls giggle. We were playing with scarves, (one of the many left-overs from teaching music,) and Emily seriously almost bust her gut laughing! Bob had her on his lap facing him. Anna put a scarf over his head. (These are the see-through, airy type of scarves that women used to use in the 60’s.) He blew on it to get it to go off of his head, and it blew on top of Emily’s head. For some reason, this just tickled her funny bone, and she had a giggle fit. Of course, they kept this up for about five minutes, then Bob had to stop because he was getting light-headed from blowing so much air. Anna thought this was hilarious, too, so they were all laughing. It was a wonderful family fun time. Emily does laugh quite a bit, and she smiles at people she knows all the time, but she rarely laughs like this. It was quite a change from when she was so sick. She would just stare at us with a blank look, and to be honest, it kind of scared us. We were more than a little worried that the blank stares would become the norm for her, but I guess we don’t have to worry about her having a sense of humor! Thank God! Life is so much easier if you can stop and laugh from time to time!

If you are a careful observer and reader of this blog, (hey, there might be one or two!) you might notice that I slightly changed the last entry. I mentioned before that I purposely did not give certain details of our lives because the whole point of this blog for me is to be able to speak freely for the first time in my life. If I know that certain people I know are reading, then I will censor what I say. But I was thinking that there is a remote possibility that someone from the area around here might be reading and if they know who I am, they would know who the person I babysat for is, too. I definitely do not want to hurt her in any way, so I made the whole entry more vague without losing the important points about discipline.

When I say that I want to be able to speak freely, I really think that it is because I don’t want to hurt anyone with my observations, my memories, and my opinions. (That is what I am telling myself, anyway!) I do think that I am in a place where I could be free enough to say I am a survivor of incest, of physical abuse, and of emotional abuse, and to put my name out there, too. But, it is not just about me. I am a very loyal person, and I really do not want to hurt my family. (Even though they did not give the same consideration to me!) I will continue to challenge myself about my motives for being anonymous in my blog, and will let you know if I change my mind! As for now, if you know me personally and are continuing to read, do so at your own risk! No, really, I will never lie, but I do intend to tell the truth, so if you want to know it all, keep reading!

Well, I hope that I didn’t scare anyone away with yesterday’s post.  But, I feel so much better today!  I woke up this morning and realized that I didn’t grind my teeth last night.  I know that I feel better because I “published” a small bit of the truth of my life.  It really doesn’t matter if anyone reads it at all.  The fact that I put it out there is a huge step for me.  I need to be more honest about my life and that was a great first step.  I have purposely not used our last name or the exact town we live in because the point is not to embarrass my family or to hurt anyone I know.  The point is that “the truth shall set you free.”

I have always been the one who worries about everyone else’s feelings.  I have caught myself saying, “sorry,” to people who bump into me in stores.  Then I kick myself.  How crazy is that?  Someone hurts me and I apologize!  I have actually done that a lot in my life.  Well, no more!  I have realized that I deserve as much respect as anyone else.  I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday, and I discovered that I referred to myself as a “precious jewel,” and a “gift from God.”  These are phrases that I use to describe my girls, and it hit me that I was someone’s little girl, too, and that I have been craving that kind of acceptance my whole life.  As I said yesterday, I can’t keep waiting for my parents to change, because it’s not going to happen.  So, I accept myself as a gift from God, and that is all that I need to heal.