Digging Deep
All right, last time, I dropped a bomb, and really aired all the dirty laundry. (Well, almost all, someday I will write about my severe post-partum depression, and all that went along with it. Actually, it was related to the molestation, so maybe that will come sooner than later.) I have been thinking about how what I wrote would sound to a stranger, and I was thinking that some people would think that my accusation that my brother was himself a victim of abuse was not supported. So, digging deep into my painful past…here goes!
I feel my brother was molested for many reasons. He was in a group of boy scouts that included at least two of his friends who were molested by their scout leader. He was in a group of “elite” Indian Dancers (yes, I know that the term should be “Native American,” but that is the name they used then, and it wasn’t meant to be derogatory.) These dancers went to schools and other places and wore what they thought was an approximation of authentic costumes. This included pants made out of deer skin with an open flap to cover the butt. Underwear was not worn. Also, no shirt. When they danced, the butt flap would open. Yes, I know that it sounds crazy that the boys were allowed to go like that. The master manipulator, I mean scout master, was so good at selling a line to the parents about why the boys needed to dress like that, etc. Anyway, my brother was a part of that group. They also used to go on many overnight camping trips, including a two-week stay at the Cimmaron, New Mexico scout camp with just the leader and the boys. We can guess what happened there… (My brother went two years in a row. That is four weeks of unprotected access.) During this time, I discovered a huge stash of inappropriate magazines in my brother’s room. I did tell my parents, (I know, all the guys out there are screaming right now!) and his excuse was that he found them in a tree house. I never bought that line, and was surprised that my parents did. (I guess they just wanted a reason to think everything was all right.) Now that I am older, I really think that these mags were fed to him by the scout leader. He probably also told him what excuse to give if he was ever caught.
Other reasons I feel he was molested include the fact that he abused me after the scout leader went to prison. Did he miss it? Probably. And, the fact that he was the perfect target. As was I. Neither one of us had a loving father figure. In fact, we had the polar opposite of a loving father figure. We were both craving love and acceptance from a man. The scout leader was my brother’s proxy father figure. He would do anything for his acceptance. I was lucky that I had a father figure in my band director, who was a wonderful man, and never said a mean word, let alone have any abusive behavior. I was lucky that I chose a better person. However, when my brother abused me, I did not have my band leader in my life, yet. I was so beaten down, that when he started changing from someone who called me names all the time, and doing everything in his power to make my life miserable, I was totally sucked in. I wanted love and acceptance from a family member. He stopped torturing me, and started being someone I could turn to. He offered solace when my parents had left me cowering in the corner. (I mean this quite literally, and will write about this someday. I used to go into the deepest corner of the closet in my room, and just be as quiet as possible, so I could avoid any fresh emotional wounds.) He knew this about me, and used it to his advantage. As an adult, I can see the moment he started manipulating me. I really think he learned it from his abuser. My parents are many things, but they don’t know how to manipulate like that.
Lastly, I just feel that it is the truth. I know that some people won’t buy that reason, and that is all right. I know what I know. I have always been an empath. I mean this quite literally. I feel what other people feel. I have learned to block it for the most part, but I can look at someone, and tell you what they are feeling. Not why they are feeling it, or anything else, just what they are feeling. If I am not protecting myself, I can feel it, too. I know he was abused. But, even if you think that is hogwash, I think I have given enough other reasons to support my claim.
More to come in the future…