The Lucky Pumpkin

Well, it has come to my attention that someone (or some people,) in the town I live in have been reading my blog. That is all right with me. I originally didn’t tell anyone about it (except my husband,) and didn’t use my full name because I was going to talk about some very private painful things from my past, and I didn’t want to unnecessarily hurt my family, and also because some people I have talked to have had horror stories about stalkers, or problems from giving too much information about themselves in their blogs. From the search query this person used, and the information I have given, I am sure it is someone I know from the Down syndrome community. I just want to say that I am fine with that. I stand by everything I have written here, and take full responsibility for it. I am still not going to use all my identifying information because of the security reasons that I mentioned above, but you are welcome to continue reading if you want to!

So, I have not blogged for a while. I have been busy, and life has gotten in the way. My grandma died last week, and it was quite painful. She and I had a birthday one day apart, so we always celebrated together. We also share a first name, although she went by her middle name, as women named Mary often did in her generation, because there were too many of them!

At the wake and funeral, I saw many relatives that I have not seen in years, some in over 10 years! Also, the perpetrator of the incest that I mentioned in a different post was there. It was painful to face him. He is my brother. There were so many people there who don’t know, (in fact, only my husband, mother, and therapist know.) So, of course, everyone thinks I am rude to my brother. I sit and take it, knowing if they only knew the truth, they would see things so differently. But, a funeral is not the place to start a family fight, so, like a good little catholic girl, I bit my tongue, and accepted a bunch of shit. The most painful part was my mother who I heard telling my brother to, “Just come over,” to my house after the funeral. She knows why I don’t want him there, and she encouraged him to come, anyway. I feel so betrayed!

My brother was abused by his scout leader, I am sure. The scout leader went to prison twice for pedophile abuse, including my brother’s friends. My brother never said anything, but there are so many things that are explained by this, that I am convinced that it is the truth. After the scout leader went to prison, my brother started abusing me. Well, he learned from the master how to manipulate people. (He could also have been abused by a priest, as there was a convicted priest in our church, and my brother was a altar boy, but I feel sure that the scout leader abused him first.)

So, couple this with the incredibly harsh father that we both have, a true German engineer, and you can see how my brother was easy prey for a pedophile. My father has never said, “I love you,” to either of us. Everything we did as kids was wrong, or at best, not good enough. Yes, I do blame my father for all of this to an extent, because his treatment of us laid the groundwork for both of us to be abused.

My mother is not without fault, either. She came from a poor Irish family, lead by a drunk for a father who used to leave my mom and her sister in the car when he went to the bars to drink. Yes, in Minnesota, and yes, in the winter! Which leads us to my Grandma, who is also guilty for being an enabler who let this abuse go on. My mom of course picked the guy to marry who she felt was the most unlike her dad, and therefore able to provide for her.

Ah yes, the cycle of abuse, what a wicked web we weave! Well, it ends here. I am not going to be afraid to expose the skeletons in my closet! My brother molested me, my father emotionally abused me, (and sometimes physically, too,) my mother continues to try to emotionally abuse me, and refuses to accept that her son committed the ultimate crime against her only daughter. I am standing up to say, NO MORE!!!! I will not allow my daughters to be victims! Now, for those who know me, this will explain why I am hyper-vigilant around my daughters. You would be, too, if you experienced what I have!

So, if you know me, and still want to read, that is the worst I have to say! Continue reading, if you want, and feel free to leave a comment if you want to. I am fine with everyone knowing my secrets.

As far as my last post, Emily is doing much better! She actually was getting sick AGAIN when I wrote the last post, but I didn’t realize it. She always regresses when she is sick, but bounces back when she is better. She has been sick so much in the recent past, with ear infections, strep, pneumonia, and bad colds. But, she is much better now, and actually was walking today pushing her baby stroller, which gave her no support at all, but she thought it did. This proves she can walk on her own with no problems, she just needs more confidence!

Right now I am feeling very defeated.  The girls have been sick recently, which means that Emily has at best, stagnated in her progress.  She isn’t interested in practicing walking when she doesn’t feel well.  She used to know her colors, and now, she is getting them wrong half the time, and to make matters worse, she isn’t eating very well.  I have been worried about her eating for a long time, but the school district refuses to giver her O-T help.  At best, we get a bunch of info given to us verbally in a short amount of time, and I am lucky if I remember half of it, let alone implementing it with any success!  So far, the strategies given to us have not worked.  I am introducing a new food at every meal for a week.  (The same food every meal for a week.)  I am using black beans because Emily doesn’t get any protein except from yogurt or milk.  Anna loves black beans, so I thought this would be a good place to start.  She just looks at me like I’m crazy, and ignores them.  The other strategy was to put something on a saltine cracker just a dab in the middle, because she loves crackers.  Well, the first time, she ignored it, but eventually ate the cracker with a little bit of cheese whiz on it.  Today, she boycotted the cracker.  When I look at her progress today, I think that she was better off many months ago.  I don’t know what is going on.  I hate the feeding issue, because kids use that as control, and I don’t want to get into a battle over eating, but, she needs to have a balanced diet, too!  Oh, and she has started rocking on her hands and knees.  I don’t know if it is stimming or not, but I worry about that, too.  The only good thing right now is her speech, which is blossoming.  She will imitate anything we say, or at least try to imitate it.  And, the fact that she is such a sweet, gentle, loving child.  That does mean a lot to me.  I just hope we can get out of this cycle, and get our Emily back!

All God’s critters got a place in the choir,

Some sing low, and some sing higher,

Some sing out loud on the telephone wire,

And some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they’ve got now. (Bill Staines)

I love that song. I always wanted to sing it with my kids while teaching, but in a public school, songs like this must be avoided. I have been thinking about this song a lot lately since Obama’s gaffe. I know that he was attempting to be “lighthearted” and “self-deprecating,” but it is too telling about what his views are on people with disabilities when something like that slips out. I think that he is a good, intelligent person, which is way above Bush on both counts, but I am frustrated with the “intellectually elite” people in the country (and others,) thinking that making fun of a person’s intelligence is acceptable! As I have said before, most people with developmental disabilities were born that way. That puts insults of this type in the same category as insults of a person’s race. Both are things you are born with, and cannot change. (Sure, you can study your butt off, but people with true developmental disabilities will never study them away.)

Obama is president of ALL Americans, including and most especially those who have disabilities. I hope that he uses this experience to become a better person, and to become a champion of the disabled community.

Here is an essay on diversity that I found on the internet.

THE DIVERSITY CREED
By Gene Griessman © 1993

I believe that diversity is a part of the natural order of things—as natural as the trillion shapes and shades of the flowers of spring or the leaves of autumn. I believe that diversity brings new solutions to an ever-changing environment, and that sameness is not only uninteresting but limiting.

To deny diversity is to deny life—with all its richness and manifold opportunities. Thus, I affirm my citizenship in a world of diversity, and with it the responsibility to….

Be tolerant. Live and let live. Understand that those who cause no harm should not be feared, ridiculed, or harmed—even if they are different.
Look for the best in others.
Be just in my dealings with poor and rich, weak and strong, and whenever possible to defend the young, the old, the frail, the defenseless.
Avoid needless conflicts and diversions, but be always willing to change for the better that which can be changed.
Seek knowledge in order to know what can be changed, as well as what cannot be changed.
Forge alliances with others who love liberty and justice.
Be kind, remembering how fragile the human spirit is.
Live the examined life, subjecting my motives and actions to the scrutiny of mind and heart so to rise above prejudice and hatred.
Care. Be generous in thought, word, and purse.

Just when you think you have it all under control, a situation arises that shows you that you are not as “together” as you thought. I was feeling so good about how I have been handling Emily having Down syndrome. I hadn’t cried in ages, and life was rolling along as “normal” as can be when you have your two-year-old in speech and physical therapy, and has had a teacher since birth. I have even been helping other families with children who have Down syndrome. I was proud of my coping skills.

Then we decided to look into selling our home. With so many good deals out there, we thought we could get a smaller house that still has everything we want in a house, and put all of the money we’d save into the girls’ future. (Of course, that hinged on us being able to sell this house for not too great of a loss.) So, we had the realtor over to assess what our house is worth. She was asking us all about why we would leave such a nice house. I was holding Emily at the time, and I said that we wanted to put all of the savings into Emily’s future. Anna was right there, so I added, “and Anna’s future, too, but Anna will be able to take care of herself someday, and Emily might not…” I couldn’t finish that sentence. I started crying. (I am crying just writing this!) I think it is just so hard to hear myself say it out loud, especially to an acquaintance as opposed to saying it to Bob, or a mother of a child with a disability (who make up most of my friends, now.) Maybe it is also because Emily is getting to be such a cutie-pie with a real personality. She is not a baby anymore, I can see how she is becoming such a sweet little girl, and her future is easier to imagine. Clearly, I have more work to do to come to terms with everything. Funny thing is, I really felt at peace with everything… Such is life!

Long story short, we decided to stay put in our house. The market is too scary right now.

Emily updates: she is almost walking! She just turned two. She is beautiful! She FINALLY has a mouth full of teeth. (Not all of them, but most are there.) Her speech is “blossoming” according to her teacher. She is so sweet and loving. She loves to give her dolls and stuffed animals a big kiss. She blows kisses to everyone. If she hurts herself, she gives herself a big kiss, and seems to be all better. She adores her sister, calling her Nana. She is a huge blessing, and one of my most important teachers.

There is so much I would like to say about the Minnesota Senate race, but I don’t have my whole life to devote to blogging! I would like to ask, how does Norm Coleman have the time to “attend every day of the trial,” AND work as a consultant to the National Jewish Coalition? We all know his new job is a front to accept money from lobbyists and friends, but surely, someone in the media should be calling him on this! I haven’t seen any coverage of this, at all. Coleman likes to put digs out to Franken that he is not attending the “trial,” but Coleman should at least pretend to be working, for goodness sake!

Also, I would just like to say that I am tired of hearing Coleman talk about what’s good for Minnesota in his NYC accent! He had the nerve to call Franken a carpetbagger, but Franken is from Minnesota. (I know he wasn’t born here, but he spent his formative years here, and went to school here until college, so to me, that makes MN his home state.) Coleman is the true carpetbagger, and I have always thought of him as such, even back when he became mayor of St. Paul. It is obvious that he came to MN because he thought he could break into politics easier here.

I am also not a huge fan of Franken, but I feel he is the lesser of two evils. He tries to make himself out as the successor to Paul Wellstone, but I am not convinced that he is cut from the same cloth. I doubt that Wellstone would have made jokes out of rape. The true successor to Wellstone should be Tim Penny. Tim Penny, where are you? We need you now. I would like to see him become governor.

Lastly, I would love to see what would happen with Franken in Washington, while the republicans seem to be bent on self-destruction by flocking to that “Big Fat Idiot” (Franken’s words, not mine,) and drug abuser, http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/04/28/national/main1561324.shtml Rush Limbaugh!

A couple of articles that I have read recently underscore how out-of-touch the Catholic Church is with reality. They illustrate how the archaic power structure breeds arrogance and the need for control. This article http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSTRE5124E320090203?pageNumber=1&virtualBrandChannel=0 tells about the former Hitlers Youth, (Nazi,) the Rat, Pope Benedict reinstated a bishop who had been excommunicated. This bishop denies the extent of the Holocaust, saying that he doesn’t believe there were gas chambers, and no more than 300,000 jews perished in concentration camps. Of course, the Vatican says that the pope does not deny the extent of the Holocaust. But, his actions show differently. Does he really think that it is appropriate to “rehabilitate” this bishop? Talk about arrogance! The pope alone can decide that someone like that should be able to lead a diocese? If you live in his diocese, run, run, run!!! (Or at least, don’t let you kids be altar servers. If he denies the Holocaust, I’m sure he also denies the fact that there are many priests who abuse children, and he would probably do what Bishop Loras Waters in the Winona diocese did, just sweep it under the rug, and move the offending priest to a different parish so he can ruin more lives!)

The other article was in the “Holy-Joe” newspaper that the church sends to our home. (That isn’t the name of it, I think it is called the “Servant,” but I am not sure.) This propaganda rag has a captive audience, people who are registered members of a catholic church in our diocese. (Probably other areas, too, I don’t know where it goes for sure.) There was an article written by a priest that made the argument that it is wrong for catholics to practice yoga! I am sure the church wants it’s members to be as tight in it’s muscles as it is in it’s “celebrating” of the mass. Let’s just all be tight-ass drones who follow like lemmings as we lead this church off the cliff! Check your brain at the door. There will be no need to think!

I am going to give my opinion that the only thing that will change the church is to withhold your money. If you can, speaking up about this crap will also help. They should know why young people don’t donate anymore. Silence breeds apathy. This kind of behavior led to eight years of poor “leadership” in the US. If you care about the church, like I do, it is time to speak up and protest with your pocketbook and your voice. I have been told many times that the church is not a democracy. As if a democracy would ruin the church because they think that we are all a bunch of “idiots.” Of course, the truth is that the church just wants to maintain control. As long as there is a large group who are willing to give up their control over their spiritual life, the church will be able to continue to create their own reality.

My life goes on, in endless song,

Above earth’s lamentations.

I hear the real, though far-off hymn,

That hails a new creation.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,

While to that rock I’m clinging.

It sounds an echo in my soul.

How can I keep from singing?

I love that hymn. It has helped to soothe my soul many times in my life. I used to sing it a lot after September 11. It is the song that popped into my head while watching some of the election coverage. Today is a day that I just can’t keep myself from singing! In fact, all of the freedom songs that I used to teach my kids for Martin Luther King Day, and during African-American History Month seem appropriate now. Lift Every Voice and Sing, Free at Last, and We Shall Overcome come to mind. What an historic day! Today, I am proud to be an American!

I am also a little bit worried. I am worried because whenever so much goodness and light comes together, there is an element that despises it. That element of darkness thrives on fear, despair, hate, all the dark emotions. With all of the comparisons to Lincoln, I really hope and pray that some wacko out there doesn’t try to take the similarities all of the way to the tragic end. President Obama and his family have my prayers. I know they will do well.

I received this from a friend, and thought it was hilarious!  I would give credit to the author, but I don’t know who it is.  I purposely stayed out of the political blogging because that is not what I wanted this blog to be about, but I can’t resist sharing this.  Enjoy!

Subj: A moving appeal

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the

planning stages and

Accepting donations. The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under

construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to

remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even

have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you

in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been

able to find.

The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room.  (After you complete your first visit,

they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and

sometimes fifth visit.)

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location,

complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your

favorite Republican Senators.

The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball,

Ouija  board, dice, coins, and straws.

Please Note:  The library will display many famous Quotes

by George W. Bush:

‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside

the country.’

 ’If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of

failure.’

 ’Republicans understand the importance of bondage

between a mother and child.’

‘No senior citizen should ever have to choose between

prescription drugs and medicine.’

‘I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more

freedom and democracy - but that could change.’

‘One word sums up probably the responsibility of any

Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

 ’Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate

things.’

 ’I have made good judgments in the past. I have made

good judgments in the future.’

‘The future will be better tomorrow’

‘We’re going to have the best educated American

people in the world.’

‘One of the great things about books is sometimes there

are some fantastic pictures.’ (during an education

photo-op)  ’Illegitimacy is something we should talk

about in terms of not having it.’

 ’We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or

may not occur.’

‘I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve

made.’…George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

 I just watched the commercial for the ASPCA, and I really can’t believe the way some people treat animals.  I always avoid the show Animal Cops because it just hurts my soul to see the despair in the animal’s eyes.  I know that we are better than this.  Consider going to the ASPCA website and taking a pledge to do your part to end animal cruelty.  Animals that are brought up as pets deserve our compassion and respect.  When you take care of an animal like a pet, you take away it’s instincts for survival on it’s own.  You have made it dependent on people for it’s survival.  Now that we have shown that we are ready for a new America with the election, let’s start by taking care of those who have no voice, our pets.

http://www.aspca.org

Emily is on the cover of the Down Syndrome Association of Minnesota’s 2009 calendar! The picture was taken when she was 6 months old, and she is 20 months old now, but it still looks a lot like her. Check out the little cutie here http://www.dsamn.org/calendars

The Down Syndrome Association of MN, (DSAMN,) distributes information to new parents and grandparents, and they also give information to ob/gyns to help them see the beauty and value in the lives of people with Down syndrome. If this is important to you, consider buying a calendar. It is a fund raiser for the DSAMN, and I am sure the money will be put to a good use.